It's been a year...

Posted on | Tuesday, April 28, 2015 | No Comments

It's been nearly two years since I've written anything on this bit of space. It has been sort of a challenge because life has been keeping me quite busy. I was never 100% sure about sharing every aspect of my life online and I do tend to write only what I want you to know. Sure that won't get me any page hits and I won't have any super juicy stories but I know it's for good reason. I don't want to speak badly of others I just really want to be true to how I feel about the goings-on of my life.

I guess we should start with the biggest thing that has happened to my family recently. My Father passed away. He was told he had a very aggressive form of cancer in his bladder and it quickly spread into his kidneys and lungs. He was a fighter and I'm so proud of him for never losing faith in defeating the cancer but it just took its toll on his body. For a long time I felt guilty that I wasn't there for him in every way I probably could have. I did have two children at this point and was asked to look after him while we were living in my parents home. I felt a little overwhelmed and maybe I might have checked out a bit.

I still think about the last moments I had with my father before he was gone. They sent him home from the hospital for the last time, he seemed panicked and scared. I went to check in on him and I told him to rest. He kept asking for my mom but she was with the hospice nurse filling out paperwork. I remember telling my dad I could turn out the lights so he can relax. He couldn't relax, he asked me to turn the lights back on. So I did. That was the last conversation I had with my dad. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him. I had fallen asleep that night and when I awoke the nurse told me that my dad would most likely not wake from his sleep again. I've been holding on to this for over a year now and it's affected me in so many ways. I've been in a sort of depression where I'm not being the best person I can be for my kids and my family. I've sort of let this guilt and sadness take over my whole year.

This April would have been my dad's 81st birthday. So on the day of his birthday I closed my eyes and spoke to him. I told him I was sorry for not being there more in the end and for not having a real conversation with him about what an amazing father he had been. I told him I missed him terribly but I had to let go. I had to let that guilt go so that I could continue living for my kids, for my family. I will never forget him.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

So I had a baby

Posted on | Monday, May 27, 2013 | No Comments

This story starts Monday May 13, 2013, the first day I started getting contractions.

Contractions were about 20 minutes apart and started getting to about 15 minutes when I arrived for my weekly appointment with my midwife. I was checked and was dilated 1cm with no effacement and baby was at a station -3 (basically not far along at all). It was just a waiting game at this time but by the time I got home, my contractions had stopped all together. I wouldn’t feel anymore contractions until Friday of that week, which were about 15 minutes apart before they stopped in the evening.
My contractions would come an go as they pleased for the next week which was not very nice because they would stop me in my tracks. At my 39 week midwife appointment I checked in at a 2cm dilation with some effacement and a -1 station. At this point we took matters into our own hands and started Project Get Baby Out. PGBO basically consisted of sex, walking and Evening Primrose Oil. Trying to have sex at this stage is pretty damn ridiculous, it’s like directing traffic… not sexy at all. We were 5 days away from my due date and figured what the hell, might as well try everything we could to get the process started.
I was awaken by contractions early Friday morning, 3am to be exact, one day away from my due date. This seemed promising since contractions were about 10 minutes apart and were pretty strong. We continued our day like any other just trying to keep ourselves busy because most likely this was another false start. My MIL picked up Zo so we could go out and watch a movie and have some free time alone. We got home just in time to tuck Zo in for bed and after having a conversation with the midwife we decided to just head into the birthing center. My contractions were about 8 minutes apart by this time. I jumped in the shower, we packed our bags and were off at 12am.
We arrived to the birthing center and were told there was another woman in labor so they would check me out to see how far along I was. This time I was 3cm, 80%effaced and -1 station. I had the option to stay in labor room #2 or go home and relax until things progressed a bit more. Unfortunately we live 40 minutes away from the birthing center so we decided to get a hotel room nearby.
I was able to rest a bit but contractions were pretty strong and our neighbors were getting all freaky at 4am. We woke up bright and early on my due date and went for a walk and picked up some breakfast. My contractions were starting to stall out at this point and they had no rooms available for that evening (or anywhere else in the area) so I called my doula for back up because I was starting to doubt that today would be the day. We needed to have a plan so we met up for lunch and decided on getting checked one more time before heading home. I was now 4cm 100% effaced and 0 station. At this point I had the option to have my membranes stripped so I figured, what the hell… OUCH! All that needed to happen now was for me to dilate but this was taking a long time. My doula suggested I go get adjusted by a chiropractor (webster technique) so I did.

It was 3:30pm and I wanted to take a nap so we found a hotel that had only one room available for the night so we checked in and my husband went out to get me something to eat. At that moment I started getting contractions that were so strong but still about 7-8 minutes apart. I waited about 30 minutes to really trust that these contractions were going to stick. My husband got back and I told him I wasn’t feeling right because nausea started kicking in and I started shaking. We called the doula and midwife to describe this and they basically told me I was going through transition, that we needed to get to the birthing center asap.
5:30pm - we arrive at the birthing center and I get checked 8cm, 100%effaced, 0 station and I was ready to go at any time.
6:30pm - I start getting pushing type contractions, my water has yet to break and I can’t help but laugh in between contractions because we had just checked in to the hotel and now we’re here. Where was the nap I wanted?

6:45pm - I’m starting to push and after 2 contractions my water breaks.
7:00pm - after 15 minutes of pushing… Owen is born, 8lbs 12oz, 19.5 inches

Shortly after my baby boy was born I started getting light headed so they gave me some IV fluid to get me hydrated. I got all cleaned up (and stitched for a tear) and nursed my little Owen. My doula fixed me up something to eat as I waited for the IV to finish doing it’s thing. I tried to get up and almost fell so we had to get another IV bag going.
By 12am I was feeling 100x better. So we decided it was time for us to head home. We were originally going to stay at the hotel for the night but our room was so far out from the elevator there was no way I’d make it so Home Sweet Home it was for us.
As hard as labor and delivery is, I still feel recovery is the hardest. I can’t wait until that part is over and I can really enjoy life as a mother of two.

some news

Posted on | Monday, December 10, 2012 | 2 Comments

it's been quite awhile since i've blogged here. honestly there wasn't much new in my life to talk about. that and add some writer's block and whatnot.

Well, I finally have some news to share. We're having another baby!!

I found out on September 18 with an at home test and shortly there after was confirmed at my first midwife appointment. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant and happy in my second trimester. I have chosen to go to a midwife instead of an OBGYN this time around because I really want to have the type of birth i've always wanted. I'm loving it so far!

We are going to find out the gender in just a few weeks and i'm more nervous than anything about that. I had a surprise baby with Zo and it just seemed so less nerve racking.

Baby #2 is Due May 24ish.

Anti-Social Mom

Posted on | Wednesday, August 22, 2012 | 3 Comments

i feel pretty bad for Enzo because i have not been making many mom friends. i tried, i really did. i joined a group last year and have only been to 3 of those meet ups. all of my friends and family with kids live about 45 minutes away from us. this makes it quite difficult to see them as often as i would like. i truly value my friendships and i get really bummed out when we can't make something work with our schedules. i miss hanging out with my friends.

at times i get lonely when i realize that i have no friends near me. no one to really just stop by and have a glass of wine with at the end of the night while our kids are asleep. i know the older i get the harder it is to make friends. i feel like i'm dating all over again trying to meet new friends. it's just weird, you know. so i shy away from these meet up groups because i'm scared of i don't know what.

so for the mean time i have no friends nearby. crap, i don't even really know the neighbors all that well. i actually try to hide from them because omg what would i even talk to them about? so how am i going to make new friends with this outlook? i really don't know.


Posted on | Sunday, August 19, 2012 | No Comments


so where do i begin? i am obsessed with notebooks, planners, and calendars. i've found when i don't have a planner or calendar around to check what the day has to bring, i'm completely lost. i usually like to take some time out of my Sunday night and write up what i'm going to be doing that week and adding important dates to the rest of the calendar.  the type of job i have basically leads me to have at least 6 months planned out. having my work schedule all lined up for those months ahead really structures the rest of my family/friend time.
in the last 2 years since becoming a mom, i've had some trouble coming up with a scheduled routine using a planner. things change on a constant. well isn't that funny?  "the only thing constant, is change"  i have tried to keep my schedule on my phone but somehow it is not the same as just writing a quick note on paper. i'm currently working on a meal plan calendar. it's been so hard because we have a house full of picky eaters which makes shopping terribly expensive. now to tighten up our belts we need to really stick to a meal plan that works on our taste buds and our wallets. Any tips on meal planning?

our life in storage

Posted on | Saturday, June 23, 2012 | No Comments

we've been living out of storage for the last 1.5 years. we moved out of our lovely home because we just could not keep up mortgage payments and the bank was not responding to our calls for help. i don't normally share this much information with the internet but the reality is, we lost our home. along with having a kid and losing our home i feel like i've been in this fog for the last 2 years. i guess you could possibly tell by my most recent posts or lack there of. 

not all of this news is bad news. we took the opportunity this last year to pay off a big chunk of our debt while living with my parents. most recently we found a wonderful and affordable (key word) townhouse and moved in. by recently i mean 4 months ago. we moved in the middle of a semester which means i had absolutely no time to really organize our stuff. we haven't even brought everything over from storage, just the necessities. i'm tired of this, really i am. every time i need something it seems to be over in storage but i've grown tired of taking trips to search through box after box not quite finding what i really need.

this weekend is the weekend we finally clear out our storage unit and bring our stuff home.  it's time to get myself out of this fog and out of a $100/month storage payment.  money we could be saving instead of throwing into a cold, dark and dusty place.

i'm ready to hit the refresh button on this moment of our lives.

it ain't easy

Posted on | Monday, April 30, 2012 | No Comments

life is tough.  i don't know why i thought i would just breeze through my life like it's the easiest thing. i've had to work really hard at my relationships. i've noticed that once things get too heated in any situation i just tune out. it seems to work with my friends and acquaintances but not so much with my husband and family. marriage is hard y'all. i can't seem to wrap my mind around the whole thing and i've been married for eight plus years. i guess a lot has to do with how young we were when we were married and how much we've grown as individuals since then. many of the issues i have with how our marriage works has to do with my rigidness. i don't allow enough room to grow. i think i'm just stubborn. me, stubborn?? you don't say!
so how would you think poor Brian feels about this? well, let's just say he isn't always the happiest about the whole situation. i know i need to ease up, i know i need to take things a whole lot easier but how? how do i go with the flow? i guess that is something that i need to learn. i'm hoping that somehow with age this only improves because as we stand now, things aren't looking too good.

now, about my family. i'm absolutely horrible with my parents. i don't know what has happened to me. all they ever want to do is help and i treat them like they are just holding me back. i love my parents so dearly and am truly blessed to have them both in my life. Enzo has the most amazing relationship with both my mom and dad but especially with my dad. they compliment each other so well and he is just so gentle with him. i know something needs to change i can't just tune out of these relationships, i know it's my job to work on keeping myself accountable and available for my family. this is very difficult for me so it will take some effort but in the end i do need to work on this. i need to make the most of my life and my family.

It Never Stops Hurting {part 3}

Posted on | Monday, April 9, 2012 | No Comments

{read Part 1, Part 2}
what started as a shopping trip for a new sports bra led to buying a pregnancy test. this was crazy, there was no possible way i was pregnant.

rewind 2 days. we had just gotten into a wicked argument over me not having eaten all day because i was helping a friend for her wedding. this wedding, my husband really didn't want to be at but i made him come with me. so there we were, me feeling dizzy/nauseous him angry/furious having an all out argument. we attended the wedding and left early because it felt like i was going to pass out. we went to In N Out and i scarfed down some animal style fries. i should have known then right?

back to the story... i got home and took the test. + for POSITIVE. how, when, what? No, this has to be a mistake. so i sent Brian out to buy a digital kind of test. i drank some water to get the pee flowing again and this time it read PREGNANT. tears of shock, fear, happiness started coming on. i was so scared this was a mistake. at any moment this could just be a memory of something that could have been.

 as my pregnancy progressed i felt so truly blessed but that fear never left, not until the day Enzo was born. i had my little boy in my arms i felt complete, like this was what was meant to be. would i be so greedy to ever ask for anything more?

see here is the thing, i felt greedy. i enjoyed every last second of my pregnancy and labor. i wanted to be given the opportunity to experience it again. what would the chances be of this happening again? i know there are so many women out there that have not and may never experience what i have experienced as a pregnant woman. so this makes me think i should be grateful for what i have and leave it at that. it's not fair, it never will be fair. some women can have babies without ever having to try. i know i have a child of my own but it just never stops hurting knowing that i will live with the desire and hope to have another child the way it felt when i wanted a first child.

from the moment we wanted to have a baby we never prevented it from happening. even now, we've been letting nature take it's course. still, every month that goes by and i get my period just puts me in quite an awful state of sadness.

maybe i am greedy, maybe i want more than i need and maybe it will literally never stop hurting. for now though, i will enjoy every last second of time with my son because he is my miracle baby. he is the reason that i live with hope that the hurting might just stop someday.

it never stops hurting {part 2}

Posted on | Monday, April 2, 2012 | No Comments

{read part 1 here}

after three months of acupuncture it was clear to us that we were going to run out of money soon. our insurance didn't cover this type of 'fertility' treatment and there were still no signs of a baby anytime soon.  so we decided to stop seeking this type of treatment but continued to go through all the new techniques we had learned. this involved natural hormone extracts to balance me out without having to take a birth control pill, eating a high protein diet, excercising, and "making rug" at just the right time of the month. it was pretty silly when my acupuncturist was explaining my cycle and he told me to "make rug" on the following nights. at first i was like wha? and he said you "make a ruv" these specific days. OH, ok make love these days. i apologized for not understanding and he said it was ok because he did have a strong accent. so from this point on we would be "making rug", i told you it was pretty silly.

still being quite unsuccessful in all the attempts through the following year, we decided to focus on other things like buying a home. there we were in our new home, a 3 bedroom home to grow into yet we weren't really growing a family at all. so it was sad at times to think about anything baby related. any time my period would be late i would get excited and buy a pregnancy test only to see a big fat NEGATIVE. this was a pretty regular thing but we tried to not really focus on it. we really tried to make it a "if it happens, it happens" type of thing. so we continued to live our lives like normal, really enjoying the time spent with friends and family. you see, normal to us was seeing all of our friends and family starting their own families. these were the years that babies were just being born right and left. our families were growing and we were just getting by enjoying our successes at work and home.

the following year, things began to get pretty shaky. i lost my job and  everything in our life just seemed very uncertain. having a baby was definitely the last thing on our mind. i turned to weight loss to re-focus my life and goals. Brian grew very distant as if unsure what to do about the situation. it was tough. at this time i found out 2 of my cousins were pregnant with their second child. this hit me hard, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. here i thought i actually found some sort of 'normal' some sanity for myself. i had no idea that baby fever existed until i was deep in it. i didn't want to be upset at my friends and family having kids it was just so hard to be completely happy for them. i smiled and tried my best to share in their happiness but it was no use. there was something in my heart that felt like it was breaking every time i thought of the idea that i might never have a child of my own. it hurt like the worst ache and i had no idea who i could talk to that would understand.

one month later, i would receive the craziest most unexpected news. news that would change my life forever.

{Part 3}

it never stops hurting

Posted on | Monday, March 26, 2012 | No Comments

when Brian and I decided we wanted to have a baby we figured it would be easy. i mean why wouldn't it be easy, there isn't much to it after all.

well, at one point I had been a few days late on my period and wasn't too concerned until i felt a very sharp pain followed by what i would say was a very thick blood clot. i went to the doctor right away and they determined it was not a miscarriage but would run further tests. i went in for ultrasounds (man do they make you drink a ton of water and hold it) and they concluded that my problem was cysts in my ovaries. i had no idea what that meant at the time but now i'm quite sure they meant PCOS. i did ask what it meant for me as far as having kids. the obgyn (which i had chosen randomly from the insurance provider catalog) told me i'd have to be on birth control pills until i was ready then they would put me on fertility drugs.

this really threw me for a loop. i wasn't sure what was going on but i figured if i didn't take any birth control at least there would be a chance that i could get pregnant. i let everything else just sit on the back burner until more time passed. well, time did pass and as we approached our third wedding anniversary i became increasingly worried about the whole situation. would i ever be able to have kids on my own without the help of medication? what is wrong with me and how can i fix it?

one day at work as i was talking to a co-worker about my situation, she told me to see another doctor for a second opinion. of course back then i had no clue what i was doing but if i could have given my past self advice it would have been to obviously see another doctor. she recommended her daughter's OB who is a high risk specialist. I went in and they ordered ultrasounds and when i sat down with this doctor i told him my concerns with what the original OB told me and that i would have a difficult time having kids, etc. he looked at me and gave me a hug and said your ultrasounds look fine to me  i wouldn't worry about having kids, it will happen. this really made me feel so much relief.  i just knew at that point i couldn't worry about it, that nature will take it's course and i can't rush things.

fast forward a few months and i overhear someone talking about acupuncture for TTC. 
 so i looked into it and found a great doctor who really helped me understand my body. he too was not concerned about my test results and possibility of conceiving. this made me feel so much better and i continued seeing him once a week for 3 months. i really enjoyed this because i was feeling so much better, healthy, and i was even losing some weight. i really had a feeling that this was going to be it, we were finally going to have a baby.

{to be continued... Part 2}