It's been a year...
It's been nearly two years since I've written anything on this bit of space. It has been sort of a challenge because life has been keeping me quite busy. I was never 100% sure about sharing every aspect of my life online and I do tend to write only what I want you to know. Sure that won't get me any page hits and I won't have any super juicy stories but I know it's for good reason. I don't want to speak badly of others I just really want to be true to how I feel about the goings-on of my life.
I guess we should start with the biggest thing that has happened to my family recently. My Father passed away. He was told he had a very aggressive form of cancer in his bladder and it quickly spread into his kidneys and lungs. He was a fighter and I'm so proud of him for never losing faith in defeating the cancer but it just took its toll on his body. For a long time I felt guilty that I wasn't there for him in every way I probably could have. I did have two children at this point and was asked to look after him while we were living in my parents home. I felt a little overwhelmed and maybe I might have checked out a bit.
I still think about the last moments I had with my father before he was gone. They sent him home from the hospital for the last time, he seemed panicked and scared. I went to check in on him and I told him to rest. He kept asking for my mom but she was with the hospice nurse filling out paperwork. I remember telling my dad I could turn out the lights so he can relax. He couldn't relax, he asked me to turn the lights back on. So I did. That was the last conversation I had with my dad. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him. I had fallen asleep that night and when I awoke the nurse told me that my dad would most likely not wake from his sleep again. I've been holding on to this for over a year now and it's affected me in so many ways. I've been in a sort of depression where I'm not being the best person I can be for my kids and my family. I've sort of let this guilt and sadness take over my whole year.
This April would have been my dad's 81st birthday. So on the day of his birthday I closed my eyes and spoke to him. I told him I was sorry for not being there more in the end and for not having a real conversation with him about what an amazing father he had been. I told him I missed him terribly but I had to let go. I had to let that guilt go so that I could continue living for my kids, for my family. I will never forget him.